I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
