that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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