wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I pour the whiskey from now on
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
