Swine flu. Run for my life!
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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