Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
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i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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