Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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