I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
