I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
