My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
