Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
