So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Oh god it's open bar.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
