Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
