Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
