Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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