she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
