I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
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Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
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Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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