Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
