when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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