It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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