He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
