having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
