i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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