did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
