why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Your cock deserves a montage
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
