Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
