when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
