you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
