I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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