so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
