i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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