forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
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He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
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did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
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