why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
