U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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