Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
