I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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