I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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