____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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