He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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