i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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