I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
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I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
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I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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