I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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