Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
