rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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