i just sent this text using only my big toe
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
