yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
