Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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