I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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