if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
