booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
