he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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