party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
