They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
