theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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