He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
