I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
