he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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