Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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