All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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