That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
